I get nervous under a watchful eye...

When one (or both - though seldom do they crack it in sync) of my children are having a "bad day/night" I find alone, in the comfort of my home, without any spectators, I can deal with the tantrum / screaming fit / distress my child is experiencing confidently. I don't get too phased if the hissy-fit is loud and drawn out, and tend to find that it seldom happens to be as such anyway - that the child resolves their "gripe" within not too long a timescale.

However I'm starting to think that my babies can sense when their outburst is being witnessed by more than just their mother. I'm not accusing them of "acting out" more when there's someone else witnessing it, however I do think my ability to cope with the situation becomes impaired when I have someone elses' eyes on me at the time. I get far more uptight, feel more helpless, and am far less patient and tolerant when they act up infront of another person (or people).

I am sure we have all, as parents, had those moments. The moments where your toddler is being so ridiculously naughty that you want to sink into a hole and disappear. Or where your infant is screaming blue murder and you can just feel the pity burning into you through someone elses gaze. I don't think I can be the only one who almost gets stage-fright of having to deal with a negative behaviour coming from my child - it's like you're being critiqued on your parenting abilities - and if the child doesn't comply (maybe I'm the only one?) you feel like a slight failure. Kind of embarrassed. Kind of ill-equipped.

Last night I had an unexpectedly upset baby, and an equally unexpected visitor. I physically became so tight and wound up -the tension in my body was intense! I felt like my visitor would be grading me on how well I coped with my screaming daughter and hence didn't naturally respond to her as I would had I been home alone.

What I've learnt from this experience (it was a new one to me to be fair - it's not often I have a bystander around when my children do "lose it") - I need to be kinder on myself and not assume I am being judged or feeling paranoid about my mothering skills. I know I am a good mother - my children are a testament of such. Infact I'm a highly dedicated mother. However I need to grow to learn not to allow these unnecessary fears of what other people might be thinking (which is probably just what I'm imagining in my own head anyway and not what they're really thinking!) interfere with the actual job at hand.

Had I of dealt with the baby as though noone was watching, she quite possibly may have calmed herself down much sooner - rather than pick up on the tension I myself was so clearly carrying. I'm going to try to consciously remember this stance next time I find myself in a similar situation. And imagine the people observing me aren't marking my grade sheet - rather they're internally cheering me on... :)