Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick people
who treat us like we're nothing?
Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.
I watched "The Perks of being a Wallflower" on the weekend... It made me feel terrible. Great movie, lovely quaint cinematics. Good soundtrack. Yucky feelings. However, highly recommended!
It did, however, get me thinking about what that actually means... In my opinion, we can't choose the love we want, but, do we indeed, then seek out and accept lesser loves for an apparent belief that we deserve it.... Substandard love. Part-time love. Not-true-love...
Everyone needs love, or to feel like we're being loved... If we're feeling we're getting no love, do we settle for wrong love rather than none at all?
If we believe we don't deserve any love, do we accept anything that resembles "some" love?
Will you accept wrong love, love that is not meant for you, love that is intended for somebody else rather than nothing?
Do you reject real love = actual love = love from people who mean to be giving it to you, because you feel you don't deserve it? Do you push love away rather than accept that their love might be genuine?
I'm a stickler for the last one... There was a time when I used to freely love myself, accept being loved and take love as it was given - believing wholeheartedly it was true, and deserved, and genuine and freely given... Now as soon as I feel a semblance of real emotion or feelings, I start to either back up, or push away. It's a sub-optimal habit I've formed. I think it's a self-preservation method. But it doesn't make anyone feel good. Not even me...
Everyone needs love, or to feel like we're being loved... If we're feeling we're getting no love, do we settle for wrong love rather than none at all?
If we believe we don't deserve any love, do we accept anything that resembles "some" love?
Will you accept wrong love, love that is not meant for you, love that is intended for somebody else rather than nothing?
Do you reject real love = actual love = love from people who mean to be giving it to you, because you feel you don't deserve it? Do you push love away rather than accept that their love might be genuine?
I'm a stickler for the last one... There was a time when I used to freely love myself, accept being loved and take love as it was given - believing wholeheartedly it was true, and deserved, and genuine and freely given... Now as soon as I feel a semblance of real emotion or feelings, I start to either back up, or push away. It's a sub-optimal habit I've formed. I think it's a self-preservation method. But it doesn't make anyone feel good. Not even me...
I got a bit fucked over by love a few times (or "fake love").... That makes you kinda rethink your stance on accepting anything that resembles love or love-like emotions from then on. Once you've been screwed over by it. You don't trust it anymore. You're shaded as to believing whether it's real, or not. You find it hard to trust the people who claim to love you... because you convince yourself that, the times when you thought you were loved, you weren't. And therefore future gestures of love, too, are likely to not be truly representative of actual love. Probably fake. Untrustworthy "love"...
Or on the contrary = you get a little love, and it's not "quite" love, and you're accepting that love (with the blurred vision that that's the type of love you deserve) only to be disappointed and yearn more... which then skews your boundaries. Makes you feel guilty for wanting more because the fact you've accepted the semi-love means it's semi-love you think you deserve, and feeling a want for anything more makes you feel like you're demanding something you think you shouldn't have (or don't deserve) in the first place...
So what do you do? You probably end up feeling like not giving love another go again in the first place. For fear of disappointment. Damage from past failures, let-downs and false promises. A rather pessimistic belief that, like other times, "every love seems to start of great only to turn to shit later". How to protect yourself from that? Don't get "lovey". At all...
But in doing so - that probably blocks out all the forms of love. Even the type you do truly deserve...
I don't know what I deserve right now. I don't think I deserve "more", but I certainly I don't feel I deserve any less. Maybe I am getting "what I deserve" and just don't realise it... Maybe I'm not. I find myself in an almost ambivalent place... I feel aspects of kinda "here-nor-there" love, occasionally... Maybe that's all the capacity I have for love right now... Maybe I need to break the habits of pushing people away, or make changes in myself, in order to recognise love when I see it. Or maybe I just think too much after one poignant movie quote... I'll put these questions to bed for now...
Until next time ;)
Peace, love and brownies for breakfast
Suzy xo
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