What to say? What to do... Look over everything from the past two years (done!) try to identify what's new? (Errrrmmm...) Discover a whole heap of history repeating (AFFIRMATIVE!!!)
So as much as I felt a few months back that this whole Suzy in me was growing up... seems she really is still quite naive and young afterall... Premature to take the stabilisers off just yet, I've found I'm still:
- Struggling with mama-guilt (when it comes to permissiveness)
- Trying to find an apt balance between my social life and the one the kids rule, and still using fucking Facebook far too often
- Making the same mistakes (....... really? Still??)
- Not staying put (yep!! House number 33 is soon to be called "Home Sweet Home!"
- Not managing to let people get close (or me not push them away)
- Shit at being on top of all the housework
- Feeling an intrinsic pattern of feeling neither here nor there settling in
- Worrying. Way too much. And thinking the worst. Especially of what people are thinking of me/feeling judged...
- I still say sorry far too often!
- I still find it really hard to swallow pride/ask for help...
So in saying all this - do you know what it makes me think/feel?!?
It makes me think I've not fucking changed one bit! And it makes me feel like 'this is just how I am'. Stuck with being like this... this is just how things are - how I am - and this is how life will therefore be. Forever and ever. Ramen...
But then I realise. Yeah... nah... Bullshit!
I've already come SO far! I've already overcome a LOT... I used to not be able to look people in the eye. I used to live in the dark. I used to have no social outlets, nothing I did, noone I caught up with or saw throughout my days.
My house - it did used to be way worse! Whilst our current arrangement is perhaps not ideal/conformist, it's working (well enough) and the place is liveable... Not actually "messy" just we're so busy and stuff happens!
Yes I still make a lot of the same mistakes... but I've also stopped making a lot of additional ones I used to! Nope, I don't feel in a place where I could be settled but I'm unsure if I ever will. I have, however, started asking people for help when I need it. Sometimes even letting people get somewhat close. As a family, we really are doing quite well. We're quite 'normal'. We make the best with what we've got. I am trying hard. Things have improved. I have improved. I do deserve a pat on the back. My kids are gorgeous. They're smart and witty, polite and content. They are awesome kids. They have an awesome mum...
Latter part of that statement deserves celebrating alongside this two year milestone.
"They are awesome kids. They have an awesome mum".
We might not be perfect. We might still be stuck on the same round-a-bout for some lessons. But overall = congratulations is in order. I made people. Awesome people.
'til next time - here's to another 365 day journey around the sun... And remember:
"If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe."
Suzy xo
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