“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future...” (Fulton Oursler)
So I'm kicking myself today, because I'm scared... and because I haven't learnt...
I'm scared because I haven't learnt.
I'm scared that I have made mistakes, again, which cannot be made undone... and those mistakes may be irreparable.
In my past posts I have referred so many times to how I'm going to "live in the present"... I relish in the words of Eckhart Tolle... I make great promises to myself that I won't repeat same mistakes... Only some little self-destructive creature inside me invades me, takes over, and self-sabotages herself. And my mind, for the last so many months, my mind has been captive of these two thieves. Fear. Regret.
Sometimes I punch these two bullies in the face. I tell them to go away, that I'm stronger than them. And they leave me alone... for a while, at least. But then in a moment's weakness, and it doesn't even have to be a great weakness... it can just be a small thing going wrong, or a headache that won't go away... they sneak back up on me and leave me feeling small, feeble and helpless. Almost destitute. Unable. And so instead, instead of getting up and fighting them away again... I fight everything and everyone around me instead. This hurts people. People I love. People I genuinely care for more than anyone in the world... It makes me an unfair person to be around. It makes it unfair for them to be around me.
What hurts the most about this type of anxiety is that... I genuinely am an immensely, kind, loving and caring person. I am generous - almost to a fault... I am strong and witty and confident, at times hilarious. That makes me feel like it's unfair that it happens to me, too... And then of course I feel immense guilt and am so sorry for those around me who have been affected. And my apologies are, of course, with utmost sincerity... but by then it's too late. You've already hurt that person. And that makes them see the bad side of you, and forget all of those good, lovely parts of you... Forget that the good parts are still there. That the good person does, infact, still exist... Or expect that eventually you'll be taken over by the bad and just become that: all bad...
It makes me truly worry about myself. It feels abnormal. It makes me feel like I've got a brain turned into thick custard and a body numbed with cold, and my normally cast-iron stomach turns to mulch and churns away like a sloppy concrete mixer...
I have to rid these two thieves. It's not good enough to sit them in the corner and pretend they're not there any more only for them to resurface later. I need to actually permanently eradicate these life-thieves from my being. From my thoughts and (bless my atheist heart for saying it) from my soul... or at least the person within me that needs to return to her happy, normal, cheery, loving, optimistic bright and laughing, silly self.
I apologise if the post seems sombre. Yes, it is, to an extent, but I haven't written it with the intention of people feeling sorry for me... I haven't written it as a cry for help, or a whine or complaint... I'm not attention seeking and I'm not asking anything of anyone who might read it. On the contrary: I am writing this as a stern pact for myself.
I've just turned 29... I have two beautiful - no strike that - utterly, immensely beautiful - children whom I love and adore with all my heart... I have a partner whom has stuck by me through thick and thin and who is a brilliantly good person to me and my babies... I have family who love me... I have friends who like my company... I cannot afford to allow these thieves of my thoughts and thieves of my emotions steal the connections with these people from me either... For if they were to succeed in doing so, they would also steal my heart. And with that... I would become unravelled... with one swift pull...
I don't want to be the person who is alone and sad because she's driven people she cares about most away... I want to be the person those people can't wait to see every day, to love, and embrace, and share laughter and conversation and good times with...
I'm tying a knot in the end of my thread... these thieves have no place here anymore...
