"Sorry" for this post... ;)

I "apologise" in advance for this post (hahaha! That's a pun... as you'll soon see!)... For those of you who know me well, you'll notice I say "sorry"... A lot. Sometimes because I am genuinely sorry... But often, so often, I am more than not likely actually sorry, but feel the need to say so... It's a compulsion. I apologise profusely for near enough anything...

My amazing life coach last year was the first person in an age to bluntly and honestly point out that I am a serial apologist... And drew my attention that, when I am apologising, I'm focusing on negative actions and sending myself a message that I, or what I have to say, or both, is not "good enough" and thus I feel the need to apologise.

But I apologise far too much... And you know what I noticed today? My son is starting to follow suit. He's apologising when he bumps inanimate objects... He says sorry on my behalf at times... Whilst it's sweet, and polite, I don't want his self-worth and esteem to be affected by a compulsion to apologise. I want him (and my daughter) to both grow up feeling confident in saying what they mean, and meaning what they say...

Sooooo (and I'll confess, I am not confident in how successful I will be, but....) I have decided to pose myself a challenge. I am not going to apologise for the next month. Unless I do something which genuinely and honestly requires an apology, I am not going to say "sorry"... If I ask a question, I'm not going to be "sorry to bother you..." If I say something somewhat bold or brassy, I'll say it with conviction, not cower into an apology afterwards - that completely deflates the effect of the statement being made. I'm not going to say sorry for changing my mind, or for my children's actions, or anyone elses' for that matter... For the next 30 days, I am going to NOT utter another non-genuine apology for anything or anyone...

Because the classic "lead by example" - I don't want my kids apeing my mannerisms to the extent that I do myself... If I had some sort of magic pedometer style counting device, that ticked over every time I said sorry in a day - the numbers would be staggering...

I think the only way to live authentically happy is to pay a bit more attention to the overuse of this phrase... I'm not sorry for the way I'm living, the thoughts I'm thinking, how I'm choosing to spend my time, what feelings or emotions I am experiencing, or what I have to say...

So (sorry... haha!) but this is the last apology without substance you'll be getting from me... Wish me luck... I hope to come out a better person for it on the other side :)

As always - peace out xx

So long as it doesn't kill me, I can stomach anything...

You know when you have an impending feeling that something might go wrong? Or when you're on a winning streak and thus can't believe that things are so right, that you're just "waiting for the inevitable". When anxiety sets in, different people (I touched on this in my article about "The Pain Body a few months back) manifest different physical reactions to the reactions of their psyche. For me, stress "goes to my guts". Quite literally. I get an upset stomach and cramps and general feelings of nausea. It's not very nice! And it kicks in without me having too much control over it. Funnily, my sister is the same... if she's nervous or stressed, her body purges it through her guts as well.

So on a very sparce but impactual few occasions recently, I've experienced that "looming" feeling... It doesn't happen often - most normally, I am relatively positive and optimistic, resting assured that no matter what life has thrown at me thus far I have always landed on my feet and thus have the confidence I always will... And today, a dear friend pointed out to me, that "if everything were to fuck up (so to speak) the worst I would experience would be a pain in the stomach"... and then even more simplified again: "You'd get a sore tummy". My world wouldn't come crashing down. I wouldn't die. The Earth wouldn't implode - I'd get a short-lived, sore tummy, and then it'd be all gone...

How REASSURING is THAT? And the best part of this now - NOW - is that I realise: I can make myself open to ANYTHING... I can allow a whooooooole heap of new and wonderful experiences into my life, and be assured that, at the very worst, if things go wrong, I'll end up with a little tummy pain. Life will still carry on. So rather than not experience all these amazing and wonderful things, and miss out of them out of fear that it'll all be over, or go wrong, or turn bad, or not be as I thought... I can simply enjoy them gambling ONLY a stomach ache on them...

What a fantastic new perspective to acquire on the day I turn 28... The worst that can happen is a sore tummy...

So bring on EVERYTHING that this year may! The good, the maybe bad, the slightly scary, the amazing, the wonderful, the beautiful and the different. Because after all, there's nothing a couple of Buscopan tablets wouldn't fix! :D

And on that note - I'm off to take my 28 year old tummy off to fill it with good birthday food and cake and marshmallows and frappes! :)

'Til next time - Peace Out xxx

"When I grow up, I want to be 28..."

When I was about 7 (Miss Carpanzano's class... I must have been 7) I remember writing this sentence in my writing book... "When I grow up, I want to be 28..." No elaboration. Just that one simple phrase. Almost eerie... And now - with my birthday swiftly arriving, I am finally about to turn 28...! So with this birthday, unlike other years, comes some sense of magic (or even hope? expectation? Who knows! MYSTERY!)

28 has always been a special number to me... It's my lucky number, for a start... It features in the name of my favourite teenage-years band (28 Days)... "2828" was my pin number on my bank account for many years (it's not now though, so don't even try and rob me!) When I was 14 (which is half of 28, by the way :P) I "planned" to get a tattoo of an "8-ball" but instead of just an "8" ball it was going to be a "28-Ball" (*ahem* it's a good thing we don't always commit to the tattoos we think we want during adolescence!)

Even deeper, there are many symbolic theories made around the number 28... The Dr. Allendy observes that the number 28 combines cyclic times: 4 and the evolutionary times: 7. "It is the spiral of the evolution unfolding among the perpetual cycles of the nature; it is the being progressed in the permanent oscillations of the Cosmos"...

There are 28 days in a moon cycle (and ANYONE who knows me knows how significant a moon cycle is to me!!!) and thus 28 days would have been the number of days for which Buddha contemplated under his little Fig Tree... Brahmans believe there are 28 Angelic states above the human beings... There are 28 different animals in the Chinese zodiac... There are 28 days in a natural "Biorythym" or emotional cycle (I track these regularly... interesting stuff, if you've -never heard of them before maybe you should look it up!) In Gematrian beliefs (where numbers are assigned word "values") the number 28 represents the word and virtue of "GOOD"...

And... one of my favourite kooky little 28 facts is that the age of 28 is the age at which our bodies actually physically stop "growing" and thus we are considered biologically "fully developed" once we hit 28... any bodily actions from then on in is just maintenance and repair-work, there's no "new" growth or development to any parts of our bodies...

28 is also the age at which (according to Astrology) most people experience their first "Saturn return" (around 28-29 years of age...) It's a period in one's life considered to bring a whooooooole lot of change and restructuring... and basically it's where Saturn returns to the exact same place it was at the time you were born...

Thus, in a way, "28" could be considered the age at which physically (ie. stop of further growth) and cosmically (Saturn returns) we are told "it's time to grow up"... How ironic? Given that little "out-there" statement I wrote at the age of 7 (which, is a quarter of my age at 28... *cue hippy mystic music*!!!)

I take it therefore that me turning 28 can ONLY mean AWESOME things... Already leading up to this year have I put many a wheel in motion, changed several attitudes, developed so much as a person and mastered the art of discernment and discard of drama... Now seems the time when everything will come together, and I may quite possibly be able to say "I've officially 'grown up'..."

So bring on 28... with all your power and glory and whimsy... How magically special I feel to be turning 28 this year...! Hurray for 28 :) Bring it on!

Peace :)

"Thankful Thursday"

I thought it was about time that I reflected upon the things I am thankful for... 2011 was a pretty rough year for me - it was chaotic, and felt drawn-out and tiresome... Thus the first thing I am thankful for, is the fact that 2011 is OVER (and never to be spoken of again!) and 2012 is just beginning...

So to celebrate my gratefulness of this new year, I am going to record what else I am thankful for...

• I am thankful, of course, for the pure serendipity that brought my children to me... That they essentially, in all reality, "shouldn't be here", yet they are and for that I am eternally grateful... My children chose to become my children, and I can never be thankful enough for that...
• I am thankful for anyone who has ever done me wrong... Because it's the most effective tool in being able to see the good in those who have not. If everyone was as fantastic as the people I choose to be close to, those people might not shine as bright. So cheers to the assholes who have made my friends and family "most awesome" in comparison!
• I am thankful for both experiences of getting it right the first time, but also for times of repeating "mistakes" over and over again until you've finally mastered the lesson that you were supposed to be learning... Whilst it'd be "nice" to be perfect all the time and never fuck up, it's life, and sometimes we fuck up. The trick is learning not to continually make the same fuck ups... and if you do, you'll ultimately EVENTUALLY and inevitably arrive at your destination regardless - it'll just take you longer, but the lesson might sink in deeper for that reason alone.
• I am thankful that I am now old enough to have a really healthy attitude towards life, and people... I've figured out the importance of discernment, and love that no longer do I immerse myself in other people's dramas or live vicariously through others... that gossip and idle botherliness no longer stirs excitement inside me, and basically only really worry what's going on under my own roof these days... It's not that I don't care about what's going on in other people's lives, it's just I've learnt to relish my own far better than to need to be submerged in the business of others...
• I am also thankful, on a similar note, that I've learnt to shrug off what others may think of me and my business, and am no longer phased when people are critical about the choices I have, or am, or will be making... As my mother always reminds me "Those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter - DON'T MIND!"
• I am thankful for ANYONE who can think outside the box...! In the last couple of years I have collected a FABULOUS array of interesting people - not constrained by geography nor gender nor age or demographic - whom I can enjoy the most scintillating conversations and friendship with... Because of their openmindedness and ability to think outwith the norm. Because it'd be pretty damn average if everyone thought the same... Random (not in the "I'm a teenager on Facebook and OMG look at me I'm like SOOOOO random I have cold spaghetti on my face and a huge flesh tunnel through my ear and I'm singing I'm a Little Tea Pot whilst wearing a flower pot on my head" sense - rather the "not constricted by the normal mode of thinking) is cool... Thanks for randomness... and "random" people...
• I am thankful that I was born with decent brains, in a decent country, with a decent level of freedom and autonomy, and decent healthcare/services, and that my life will ever-more be relatively decent... but thankful also that I have the heart and proactivity to empathise with those who don't and make my difference if and when I can...
• I am thankful for anyone who chooses to seize their passion and do something with it... I am acquainted with SO many people whom are following their dreams and doing whatever makes them happy. I am in awe of those who use their creativity, whether it be through art or sewing or writing or anything! I am glad that I found these people as they helped me identify passion and creativity within myself which had long been dormant whilst I plodded along working for the sake of working, not for the sake of enjoyment, and thus am thankful for what I am doing with my life right now and where I am heading...
• I am thankful for my family. Because they love me, just exactly how I am...
• I am thankful for fate, divine timing, serendipity and going out on a limb and taking a chance... What an adventure such forces creates in ones life!
• I am thankful that I have brains in my head, and feet in my shoes, that I can steer myself in any direction I choose... That I'm on my own, and I know what I know... and that I'll be the one who decides where to go ;)

'Til next time - peace out :)