Roses are Red, Violets are blue, this catch-line is corny, but Suzy's turned TWO!!! :)

So how eventful! My little blog has turned 2...

What to say? What to do... Look over everything from the past two years (done!) try to identify what's new? (Errrrmmm...) Discover a whole heap of history repeating (AFFIRMATIVE!!!)

So as much as I felt a few months back that this whole Suzy in me was growing up... seems she really is still quite naive and young afterall... Premature to take the stabilisers off just yet, I've found I'm still:

- Struggling with mama-guilt (when it comes to permissiveness)
- Trying to find an apt balance between my social life and the one the kids rule, and still using fucking Facebook far too often
- Making the same mistakes (....... really? Still??)
- Not staying put (yep!! House number 33 is soon to be called "Home Sweet Home!"
- Not managing to let people get close (or me not push them away)
- Shit at being on top of all the housework
- Feeling an intrinsic pattern of feeling neither here nor there settling in
- Worrying. Way too much. And thinking the worst. Especially of what people are thinking of me/feeling judged...
- I still say sorry far too often!
- I still find it really hard to swallow pride/ask for help...

So in saying all this - do you know what it makes me think/feel?!?

It makes me think I've not fucking changed one bit! And it makes me feel like 'this is just how I am'. Stuck with being like this... this is just how things are - how I am - and this is how life will therefore be. Forever and ever. Ramen...

But then I realise. Yeah... nah... Bullshit!

I've already come SO far! I've already overcome a LOT... I used to not be able to look people in the eye. I used to live in the dark. I used to have no social outlets, nothing I did, noone I caught up with or saw throughout my days.

My house - it did used to be way worse! Whilst our current arrangement is perhaps not ideal/conformist, it's working (well enough) and the place is liveable... Not actually "messy" just we're so busy and stuff happens!

Yes I still make a lot of the same mistakes... but I've also stopped making a lot of additional ones I used to! Nope, I don't feel in a place where I could be settled but I'm unsure if I ever will. I have, however, started asking people for help when I need it. Sometimes even letting people get somewhat close. As a family, we really are doing quite well. We're quite 'normal'. We make the best with what we've got. I am trying hard. Things have improved. I have improved. I do deserve a pat on the back. My kids are gorgeous. They're smart and witty, polite and content. They are awesome kids. They have an awesome mum...

Latter part of that statement deserves celebrating alongside this two year milestone.
"They are awesome kids. They have an awesome mum".

We might not be perfect. We might still be stuck on the same round-a-bout for some lessons. But overall = congratulations is in order. I made people. Awesome people.

'til next time - here's to another 365 day journey around the sun... And remember:

"If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe."

Suzy xo

And now a brief moment with Stephen Chbosky....

Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick people 

who treat us like we're nothing?

Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.

I watched "The Perks of being a Wallflower" on the weekend... It made me feel terrible. Great movie, lovely quaint cinematics. Good soundtrack. Yucky feelings. However, highly recommended! 

It did, however, get me thinking about what that actually means... In my opinion, we can't choose the love we want, but, do we indeed, then seek out and accept lesser loves for an apparent belief that we deserve it.... Substandard love. Part-time love. Not-true-love...

Everyone needs love, or to feel like we're being loved... If we're feeling we're getting no love, do we settle for wrong love rather than none at all?

If we believe we don't deserve any love, do we accept anything that resembles "some" love?
Will you accept wrong love, love that is not meant for you, love that is intended for somebody else rather than nothing?

Do you reject real love = actual love = love from people who mean to be giving it to you, because you feel you don't deserve it? Do you push love away rather than accept that their love might be genuine?

I'm a stickler for the last one... There was a time when I used to freely love myself, accept being loved and take love as it was given - believing wholeheartedly it was true, and deserved, and genuine and freely given... Now as soon as I feel a semblance of real emotion or feelings, I start to either back up, or push away. It's a sub-optimal habit I've formed. I think it's a self-preservation method. But it doesn't make anyone feel good. Not even me...

I got a bit fucked over by love a few times (or "fake love").... That makes you kinda rethink your stance on accepting anything that resembles love or love-like emotions from then on. Once you've been screwed over by it. You don't trust it anymore. You're shaded as to believing whether it's real, or not. You find it hard to trust the people who claim to love you... because you convince yourself that, the times when you thought you were loved, you weren't. And therefore future gestures of love, too, are likely to not be truly representative of actual love. Probably fake. Untrustworthy "love"...

Or on the contrary = you get a little love, and it's not "quite" love, and you're accepting that love (with the blurred vision that that's the type of love you deserve) only to be disappointed and yearn more... which then skews your boundaries. Makes you feel guilty for wanting more because the fact you've accepted the semi-love means it's semi-love you think you deserve, and feeling a want for anything more makes you feel like you're demanding something you think you shouldn't have (or don't deserve) in the first place...

So what do you do? You probably end up feeling like not giving love another go again in the first place. For fear of disappointment. Damage from past failures, let-downs and false promises. A rather pessimistic belief that, like other times, "every love seems to start of great only to turn to shit later". How to protect yourself from that? Don't get "lovey". At all...

But in doing so - that probably blocks out all the forms of love. Even the type you do truly deserve...

I don't know what I deserve right now. I don't think I deserve "more", but I certainly I don't feel I deserve any less. Maybe I am getting "what I deserve" and just don't realise it... Maybe I'm not. I find myself in an almost ambivalent place... I feel aspects of kinda "here-nor-there" love, occasionally... Maybe that's all the capacity I have for love right now... Maybe I need to break the habits of pushing people away, or make changes in myself, in order to recognise love when I see it. Or maybe I just think too much after one poignant movie quote... I'll put these questions to bed for now...

Until next time ;)
Peace, love and brownies for breakfast 

Suzy xo