Now finally I am yearning for some ultimate serenity... Some peaceful grounding which we can simply relax and enjoy our calm and simple lives. The babies of course will continue to grow and change, yet I am at a point where I want to provide them with some true consistency.
Part of this realisation, and the process that attaining this involves, means it is time to tie up lose ends and prepare to become settled. We need to find a house we love to live in. I need to be happy with what I'm doing in my work/studies. The children have developed an amazing routine and ultimately, I'd like it to continue the way it's been thus far, as really - they are superbly clock-work and things run very smoothly parenting-wise as a result.
A pattern that has emerged in my life pre-children is not exercising enough of a degree of discernment. I've hastily accepted houses on the basis that they would "do for now" only to be disgruntled not too long after moving into them. I've fleetingly entered into relationships which in turn haven't turned out to be the right ones. I've dabbled in various vocations job and study wise yet still haven't established a profession or career, and I have fair-weathered hobbies which are fun whilst I'm enthusiastic, yet get cast by the wayside when something new and equally fun takes its place.
It's taken a shift in my thinking to make the realisation that, essentially, all I have done for the last decade is really repeat the same patterns just in a different fashion. It's like putting on an identical jumper every morning, just in a different colour, yet we don't concentrate on the fact it's the same jumper - we concentrate on the fact that we're wearing a different colour that day and forget that infact, it's the same outfit, just in a different tone!
In order to be able to truly break this carousel I set myself on time and time again (in many aspects of my life), with the motivation for doing so being the wellbeing of my children, I feel a need to make a physical pledge or put it in writing. Hence why I'm blogging about it. Writing about it makes it a lot more "real" for me, and the more real it feels, the more likely I am to embrace it - I will feel like I need to be accountable to the pledge I have made, and encourage myself to act with discernment - be sure that what I seek and what I choose is what I truly desire, for me and my babies...
I think this can be summarised in a point made by Lama Shenpen Hookham, who states:
"True discernment is essential to the nature of our being. When we are trapped in thinking we turn that discernment into thinking and trap ourselves in confusion. But if we simply put into words what we discern in the heart, they point us to the ungraspable essence of our experience - a light and joyful process..."
I therefore now look forward to what I believe will be a light and joyful process myself... I am excited about finding a home we shall love and enjoy, interacting with the people we choose to have near us; myself I am eager to get back on track with Uni. at the return of next semester, and am thrilled to have had some more work fatefully come my way. I think this growth is going to be great for us - all of us... Now that the mind is decided, it's time to turn thoughts into actions. I anticipate quite a busy time ahead of us, but at the end of the day:
"All the hard work must be worth it if you get exactly what you long for, in the end..." (my good self)
As always - peace out :) xx
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