The Occupational Hazards of Single Motherhood

Despite society coming a long way with views towards sole-parenting, being a single mum is still not without its social stigmas and different negative preconceived notions. There are certain assumptions made about single mothers which need to be torn to shreds. Like with most stereotypes - yes, of course there are some instances where some of the assumptions can be applied or ring true. But just because of a small few, why should everyone be tarred with the same brush?

Through my experiences as a single mother (albeit short, I've only been a mother for just shy of 2 years) here are some of the assumptions I have found being made about my circumstances:

• Single Mother's Are "Easy" - they must be up for it with anyone, right? First and foremost is the "easy" label sometimes universally applied to single mothers. And noone interested in potentially sleeping with you really has the time or the want to listen to your long spiel about what actually led to you becoming a single mother in the first place anyway. Because they're too busy checking out your arse or your tits or asking you when a baby sitter can be arranged. Not cool. Not all single mum's are "easy". Not all single mums were promiscuous, nor their children unplanned or unwanted, and definitely not all single mums are lacking in their discernment for whom they would and wouldn't choose to bed.

• Single mother's are lazy - they just sit about the house all day whilst I as a taxpayer fund them to do so! Again, this is another assumption by which YES there are some cases where this is accurate, however not every single mum out there is like this - and I think I'd be right in saying for the most part, the "pension bludger" mother is actually the minority. Having children does impact the amount of time and effort that can be put into other pursuits - that's a given. But there are plenty of single mum's out there whose work ethic is still strong. In some cases, stronger than double-income mothers. Because as a single mum, you are the only person accountable for the well-being and comfort of your children, your actions dictate their lifestyle and thus many single women feel more inclined to work harder for the sake of supporting their children to give them a "good life".

• She's made her bed, so I suppose now she has to lie in it. If she didn't want to be a single mum, well, she could have just stayed with the father! There are a million reasons for becoming a single mother. Not always are single mothers made by choice. For example, if you were presented with two different types of single mother - the one made because she left her partner, versus the one made because she was widowed, people would find it more easy to readily accept and empathise with the widow. Yet without being understanding of a single mother's background or knowing the story behind her circumstances, you don't know if a single mother was fleeing a violent or abusive situation when she left her partner. Or if he was unfaithful in the relationship. Or uncaring towards the children. Or acting outwith the law. Also a great deal of single women, when choosing to have their children (planned or unplanned) if in a relationship at the time do not forsee with some divine gift of prophecy that their relationship will come to an end and they'll end up being a single mother. A great proportion of single mothers go into parenthood believing that they'll be doing it as a couple. It's not always a choice to become a single mother, and it's not always their fault.

• She must have been hell to live with - no wonder the poor bloke left her! This ties in with the previous statement also. There's an assumption that if you're a single mother, it's because there's something wrong with you. You've failed as being part of a relationship and must be so pathetic at maintaining one that the one you were in stuffed up. A single woman without child, however, doesn't so often receive this label. Yet when you've got kids and are single - wow, you must be a difficult woman.

• She probably can't even look after her kids properly. This one gets my goat the most. There's a stigma that implies that single mothers (in addition to all the other aspects mentioned already) are bad mothers. That they don't parent as well, they have no control of their children, and that they don't do as good a job as a complete family unit would. So not true in many circumstances. If anything, single mothers could be considered to be more selfless in their parenting because to a single mother there is no competition for their affection or attention or time and energy - their children are their everything in most circumstances, and as a result they more often than not devote a great deal of themselves to being a highly dedicated mother and wonderful parent.

Again there are always exceptions to the rule which stick out like dog's bollocks, however too great an emphasis is placed on the minority and there is too small an understanding of the majority when it comes to single mothers out there. The old saying "Don't judge a book by it's cover" rings so true. Every single mother has it's own story. And should you hear out this story, don't misconstrue it for complaint, justification, excuse-making or whining. If you hear a single mother's story, consider it a privilege to be given a greater understanding, insight and the fact that in order for her to be telling it to you means she trusts that you will not judge her for it. Considering recent statistics indicate that 70 percent of adults believe it is "bad" to be a single mother, it only makes me wonder how on earth we can come so far in society with our stance towards other contentious issues - such as inter-racial marriage, gay parenting and the like, yet still be so negative towards single motherhood.

Furthermore, when a male is a sole-parent it's considered such a "good thing" that he's doing - he's praised for being a dedicated dad and it's considered such a selfless thing on his behalf to be doing that for his children's best interest. He's not labelled a lazy slut who was a nightmare to be in a relationship with and deserves all that he's been given, after all, he chose to be that way.

Perhaps the next time the people who look at a single mother and begin to make these assumptions need to imagine whether they would come to the same conclusions were she a man, instead... ;)

As always - just food for thought.... Peace out ;)