Roses are Red, Violets are blue, this catch-line is corny, but Suzy's turned TWO!!! :)

So how eventful! My little blog has turned 2...

What to say? What to do... Look over everything from the past two years (done!) try to identify what's new? (Errrrmmm...) Discover a whole heap of history repeating (AFFIRMATIVE!!!)

So as much as I felt a few months back that this whole Suzy in me was growing up... seems she really is still quite naive and young afterall... Premature to take the stabilisers off just yet, I've found I'm still:

- Struggling with mama-guilt (when it comes to permissiveness)
- Trying to find an apt balance between my social life and the one the kids rule, and still using fucking Facebook far too often
- Making the same mistakes (....... really? Still??)
- Not staying put (yep!! House number 33 is soon to be called "Home Sweet Home!"
- Not managing to let people get close (or me not push them away)
- Shit at being on top of all the housework
- Feeling an intrinsic pattern of feeling neither here nor there settling in
- Worrying. Way too much. And thinking the worst. Especially of what people are thinking of me/feeling judged...
- I still say sorry far too often!
- I still find it really hard to swallow pride/ask for help...

So in saying all this - do you know what it makes me think/feel?!?

It makes me think I've not fucking changed one bit! And it makes me feel like 'this is just how I am'. Stuck with being like this... this is just how things are - how I am - and this is how life will therefore be. Forever and ever. Ramen...

But then I realise. Yeah... nah... Bullshit!

I've already come SO far! I've already overcome a LOT... I used to not be able to look people in the eye. I used to live in the dark. I used to have no social outlets, nothing I did, noone I caught up with or saw throughout my days.

My house - it did used to be way worse! Whilst our current arrangement is perhaps not ideal/conformist, it's working (well enough) and the place is liveable... Not actually "messy" just we're so busy and stuff happens!

Yes I still make a lot of the same mistakes... but I've also stopped making a lot of additional ones I used to! Nope, I don't feel in a place where I could be settled but I'm unsure if I ever will. I have, however, started asking people for help when I need it. Sometimes even letting people get somewhat close. As a family, we really are doing quite well. We're quite 'normal'. We make the best with what we've got. I am trying hard. Things have improved. I have improved. I do deserve a pat on the back. My kids are gorgeous. They're smart and witty, polite and content. They are awesome kids. They have an awesome mum...

Latter part of that statement deserves celebrating alongside this two year milestone.
"They are awesome kids. They have an awesome mum".

We might not be perfect. We might still be stuck on the same round-a-bout for some lessons. But overall = congratulations is in order. I made people. Awesome people.

'til next time - here's to another 365 day journey around the sun... And remember:

"If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe."

Suzy xo

And now a brief moment with Stephen Chbosky....

Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick people 

who treat us like we're nothing?

Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.

I watched "The Perks of being a Wallflower" on the weekend... It made me feel terrible. Great movie, lovely quaint cinematics. Good soundtrack. Yucky feelings. However, highly recommended! 

It did, however, get me thinking about what that actually means... In my opinion, we can't choose the love we want, but, do we indeed, then seek out and accept lesser loves for an apparent belief that we deserve it.... Substandard love. Part-time love. Not-true-love...

Everyone needs love, or to feel like we're being loved... If we're feeling we're getting no love, do we settle for wrong love rather than none at all?

If we believe we don't deserve any love, do we accept anything that resembles "some" love?
Will you accept wrong love, love that is not meant for you, love that is intended for somebody else rather than nothing?

Do you reject real love = actual love = love from people who mean to be giving it to you, because you feel you don't deserve it? Do you push love away rather than accept that their love might be genuine?

I'm a stickler for the last one... There was a time when I used to freely love myself, accept being loved and take love as it was given - believing wholeheartedly it was true, and deserved, and genuine and freely given... Now as soon as I feel a semblance of real emotion or feelings, I start to either back up, or push away. It's a sub-optimal habit I've formed. I think it's a self-preservation method. But it doesn't make anyone feel good. Not even me...

I got a bit fucked over by love a few times (or "fake love").... That makes you kinda rethink your stance on accepting anything that resembles love or love-like emotions from then on. Once you've been screwed over by it. You don't trust it anymore. You're shaded as to believing whether it's real, or not. You find it hard to trust the people who claim to love you... because you convince yourself that, the times when you thought you were loved, you weren't. And therefore future gestures of love, too, are likely to not be truly representative of actual love. Probably fake. Untrustworthy "love"...

Or on the contrary = you get a little love, and it's not "quite" love, and you're accepting that love (with the blurred vision that that's the type of love you deserve) only to be disappointed and yearn more... which then skews your boundaries. Makes you feel guilty for wanting more because the fact you've accepted the semi-love means it's semi-love you think you deserve, and feeling a want for anything more makes you feel like you're demanding something you think you shouldn't have (or don't deserve) in the first place...

So what do you do? You probably end up feeling like not giving love another go again in the first place. For fear of disappointment. Damage from past failures, let-downs and false promises. A rather pessimistic belief that, like other times, "every love seems to start of great only to turn to shit later". How to protect yourself from that? Don't get "lovey". At all...

But in doing so - that probably blocks out all the forms of love. Even the type you do truly deserve...

I don't know what I deserve right now. I don't think I deserve "more", but I certainly I don't feel I deserve any less. Maybe I am getting "what I deserve" and just don't realise it... Maybe I'm not. I find myself in an almost ambivalent place... I feel aspects of kinda "here-nor-there" love, occasionally... Maybe that's all the capacity I have for love right now... Maybe I need to break the habits of pushing people away, or make changes in myself, in order to recognise love when I see it. Or maybe I just think too much after one poignant movie quote... I'll put these questions to bed for now...

Until next time ;)
Peace, love and brownies for breakfast 

Suzy xo

For the Greater "Good"

 

 

When I was about 15 or 16, I read a book by Nick Hornby called "How to Be Good".
It plays first on the themes of how a negative person can try and change to become a more positive influence. And in this manner, the character succeeds.

However the later part of the story goes on to explore whether it is possible to then be "good" to people we have previously been "bad" to. In this attempt, the character is not as successful and attempts seem futile.

I like to consider myself a "good" person. But of course there are, at times, moments in our lives where we are - intentionally or not - bad to another person. And when it comes to real life, and "being good" to the person to whom we have been bad, it can sometimes feel as unachievable as it did for the protagonists of this novel.

Being good to those whom we have been bad to can fail quite easily. And trying can actually make things worse.

I've learnt at late when witnessing this as playing the role of both parties - both the hard done by, and the one who did the hard-doing...  What happens between two people that inevitably results in an "I don't think trying to be good, or fix things with you, is going to be beneficial".

In ordinary circumstances - being good is generally well received... by both the recipient and also by on-lookers. You're praised for your being good by outsiders, and receive gratitude from the person you're being "good" to.

Yet once you've treated someone badly... no matter how good you might be in future can make no difference. A negative stands out a thousand times stronger than the cornucopia of positives and goodness you may have offered or intend to continue to offer.

It's like a few drops of black ink dispersing through a perfectly clear vessel of water... no matter how much more fresh, clean good water you try to continue to add - the taint of the ink remains.

With this in mind I believe therefore sometimes it may be better to consider that once things have been bad, it takes less energy to simply do nothing rather than try and remedy the bad with a whole lot of good. And perhaps also important to consider that it be better to just be "good" by people at all times in the first place, as to never have to face the irreparability of a dynamic between two people when someone is "bad" to the other, in the first place...

Until next time...

Peace, love 'n lychees!

Suzy x

The complexity of toddler-creatures :)

Firstly... can you believe that these:

have turned into THESE!?!?:

Where did that 2 years go??


Kids... aren't they amazing??

They can stir such a range of emotions within us, their parents. And I'm certain their ability to do so only grows and grows every day.

The thing I'm discovering more about my two, now they're getting a little older and aren't little babies anymore (they're still my babies, but they're just getting so grown up!) is that they are becoming:

• A lot more egotistical. They care about how they feel a lot more, and express it openly. They are aware of their own feelings and when they verbalise them, that affects you as a parent (both in positive and negative ways).
• A lot more blatantly honest/not very discerning about what they "just come out with".
• They are also far more concerned with the wellbeing of others around them - particularly, their mummy...

Personally, I'm one of those mums who...

- Wells up with pride when I see my child attend to the needs of someone else before their own, or extends generosity and affection to another child or person...

- Feels bad when my child stands patiently whilst adults are conversing for a whole five minutes (which equates to hours in "toddler time") waiting to speak... then when it's their turn to speak, they've only been waiting to say "Thank you" for something you did for them an hour or even a day ago...

- Is still completely melted and surprised every single time my child, without any prompting, comes up and says "Muuuuuuum..... I love you!" (Still makes me cry nearly every time!)

- Actually FEELS genuinely pretty when my 3 year old comes into the bathroom when you're doing your hair or makeup and tells you "You look booodiful, Mama"...

- Thinks it's sooooo sweet, rather than disgusting (though I'll admit, I have kinda been put off bananas for life due to this) when they try to wedge the last piece of whatever they're eating generously into your mouth?

- Actually does a genuine happy dance up and down and makes a huge fuss when they've successfully taken themself off to the toilet productively

- Hurts deeply when they say they are sad or upset because of something someone did, or said, or a really sad conclusion they've drawn on their own...

- Am so proud when my son makes a logical connection about something to do with nature, or the world around him...

- Love how they think YOU are fantastic and great... even on the days where you yourself are just not feeling it...!

- Crack up laughing when they are complete wallies doing something ridiculous and silly...

I'm very much appreciating more and more the greater facets that you get from toddlers to babies. Babies are gorgeous and sweet and I loved "having babies"... But these toddlers of mine? They're so incredibly diverse and getting smarter and more socially engaged every day. 

Sure... It's tiring as fuck... and takes a hell of a lot of time and I'm coining lots of those cliche phrases "Stop that. Put that down. Leave your sister alone. Don't put your finger in there. Where did all this mess come from?!?" and other bossings-around... but on the whole, I am appreciating the "work" these toddlers are creating for me as they are giving so so much back now in return... 

Their language is coming along so well and with that comes real "conversations" with them... Tyler's great for "telling you things" that you didn't know about his day now... Maya is getting there with her talking and can tell you she's tired or wants something now... They're little whirlwinds bringing a tornado of emotions and a hurricane of happiness with them wherever they go..! 

It's crazy how quickly the last few years has ticked over... and yet how the dynamic has changed in such a short amount of time. It's adding a whole new enjoyable aspect to parenthood. It's not just about meeting their basic needs now... they're able to be so engaged in life and their world and taught so much... And they'll only continue to grow their knowledge and wit and humor and sensitivity as time continues to pass...

I love my little human beings...! :)

Pull this thread...

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future...” (Fulton Oursler)

So I'm kicking myself today, because I'm scared... and because I haven't learnt...

I'm scared because I haven't learnt.

I'm scared that I have made mistakes, again, which cannot be made undone... and those mistakes may be irreparable. 

In my past posts I have referred so many times to how I'm going to "live in the present"... I relish in the words of Eckhart Tolle... I make great promises to myself that I won't repeat same mistakes... Only some little self-destructive creature inside me invades me, takes over, and self-sabotages herself. And my mind, for the last so many months, my mind has been captive of these two thieves. Fear. Regret.

Sometimes I punch these two bullies in the face. I tell them to go away, that I'm stronger than them. And they leave me alone... for a while, at least. But then in a moment's weakness, and it doesn't even have to be a great weakness... it can just be a small thing going wrong, or a headache that won't go away... they sneak back up on me and leave me feeling small, feeble and helpless. Almost destitute. Unable.  And so instead, instead of getting up and fighting them away again... I fight everything and everyone around me instead. This hurts people. People I love. People I genuinely care for more than anyone in the world... It makes me an unfair person to be around. It makes it unfair for them to be around me.

What hurts the most about this type of anxiety is that... I genuinely am an immensely, kind, loving and caring person. I am generous - almost to a fault... I am strong and witty and confident, at times hilarious. That makes me feel like it's unfair that it happens to me, too... And then of course I feel immense guilt and am so sorry for those around me who have been affected. And my apologies are, of course, with utmost sincerity... but by then it's too late. You've already hurt that person. And that makes them see the bad side of you, and forget all of those good, lovely parts of you... Forget that the good parts are still there. That the good person does, infact, still exist... Or expect that eventually you'll be taken over by the bad and just become that: all bad...

It makes me truly worry about myself. It feels abnormal. It makes me feel like I've got a brain turned into thick custard and a body numbed with cold, and my normally cast-iron stomach turns to mulch and churns away like a sloppy concrete mixer...

I have to rid these two thieves. It's not good enough to sit them in the corner and pretend they're not there any more only for them to resurface later. I need to actually permanently eradicate these life-thieves from my being. From my thoughts and (bless my atheist heart for saying it) from my soul... or at least the person within me that needs to return to her happy, normal, cheery, loving, optimistic bright and laughing, silly self.

I apologise if the post seems sombre. Yes, it is, to an extent, but I haven't written it with the intention of people feeling sorry for me... I haven't written it as a cry for help, or a whine or complaint... I'm not attention seeking and I'm not asking anything of anyone who might read it. On the contrary: I am writing this as a stern pact for myself. 

I've just turned 29... I have two beautiful - no strike that - utterly, immensely beautiful - children whom I love and adore with all my heart... I have a partner whom has stuck by me through thick and thin and who is a brilliantly good person to me and my babies... I have family who love me... I have friends who like my company... I cannot afford to allow these thieves of my thoughts and thieves of my emotions steal the connections with these people from me either... For if they were to succeed in doing so, they would also steal my heart. And with that... I would become unravelled... with one swift pull...

I don't want to be the person who is alone and sad because she's driven people she cares about most away... I want to be the person those people can't wait to see every day, to love, and embrace, and share laughter and conversation and good times with...

I'm tying a knot in the end of my thread... these thieves have no place here anymore...

Tra la la la aaaarghhh!!!

So... It's "Christmas" time, again...

If it weren't for having the kids, I'd probably remain relatively 'non-fussed' about Christmas...

My best Christmases as an adult were those where I could just fly by the seat of my pants, run off somewhere on a cheap flight at the last minute, and enjoy my travels. Babies = they limit ones ability to do that somewhat...

So instead, we're "home" for Christmas... and it's hot and nasty weather, I feel like I've spent the last week (not to mention the last dollar) running round sorting everything for "the big day"...

It makes me wonder, strangely, about those in the world who do not observe Christmas. Whom to them, it just passes them by, non-eventful and uncelebrated... and makes me question if I could ever do the same. Right now, no, I suppose it wouldn't be "fair" on my children to not enjoy Christmas... However it also then makes me wonder whether Christian kids would love their Christmas day quite as much were they to, instead of receive a tonne of outlandish gifts, wake up on Christmas morning, attend church, then go and serve at a homeless shelter or with the elderly, as to represent their supposed "true" meaning of Christmas?

I think what gets me most is that, even for Christians, Christmas is lost on everyone besides the extremely poor these days... It's gotten RIDICULOUS. 9 year olds are getting iPhones... 4 year olds are getting Wiis, or whatever the hit console for the year is... Parents are spending vast amounts of money on their kids, and, really, what is that setting the kids up for in life? Sure it's "nice" to have "nice" things, but - at Christmas - it just seems that things are taken too far... And anyone who claims they're spoiling their kids "in the name of the Lord" has got to be kidding me... Jesus, had he existed, received very few gifts... and he was the so-called "son of God"... he certainly didn't receive an iPad...

I know myself, have at times, of been guilty of buying my kids "too many presents". Namely to I guess overcompensate for the fact that the paternal side of my childrens' family don't contribute to birthdays and Christmases, and thus I've always felt obliged to "make up" their deficit. But this year, I've been far more realistic. My children are 3 and 1... They're not going to complain if they get 1 present, or 10... They're not going to complain if they had $50 spent on them or $500.

As always, we've observed our traditional "charity" part - sending a gift to one of our "Post Pals" (a correspondence site for extremely to terminally ill kids) as we do every year, and it's explained to Tyler that we are sending a present to a little boy or girl who is very sick and in hospital. I guess that way, I'm instilling a sense of giving into my children, and that beyond those whom are close to us... It's something I've always done since I was a child myself (we used to do the "Wishing Tree", or go to the Salvo's with bundles of stuff for them to distribute)...

 I just like to hope that, with all the receiving the kids will be doing, they still recognise there's a significance to giving as well... Lest they be lost in the overwhelmingly selfish day that Christmas normally seems to become for most youngsters...

Until next time... Deck The Halls ;)

"If Horses Were Wishes..."

My mum always had a funny little saying... 

"If horses were wishes, then beggars would ride..."

Slightly pessimistic, really... and always made me feel like it were almost not permissible to be allowed to make "wishes"... But nevertheless, I make wishes. Often. I wish on fallen eyelashes. And shooting stars. Wishbones. Etc.

I was sat thinking about my wishes today, and really, they're not even that grandiose. They're pretty reasonable wishes. Not greedy. Not too over the top...

So I thought I'd write a wish list...! Now these are non-generalistic, rather "selfish" wishes. Yes of COURSE I wish there wasn't war and starvation and the like... but I'm keeping things personal...

1) I wish I had a suspended bed. You know, like hanging from rope or something from the ceiling... the idea of sleeping without anything underneath you I find strangely appealing. And there's some very pretty ones I've seen out there on the net...

2) I wish the housework was SO much easier... and didn't accumulate so quickly. I'd even go so far as to say "I wish I could afford a cleaner"... I used to have a cleaner, once... It was always so nice coming home to find the mundane stuff done for me. Though these days, with two toddlers, it'd almost prove futile...

3) I wish I lived in a place I actually truly love. I don't like where I live presently. I've seldom lived anywhere that I felt I really loved living. Except perhaps Scotland. Scotland was awesome. And, furthermore, I wish I had a home I loved... my own home. That I could decorate however I wanted.

4) I wish I could budge the last of this weight a lot easier. Having IR & PCOS, makes it really tough... Tougher than for the average non-IR/PCOS person. It's pretty sucky. I wish I didn't have IR/PCOS. I wish I didn't have to take insulin, 'cos it makes me feel shitty... I'd love to be a size 10-12 by my 30th birthday. And I do try... but I still don't have it underwraps. It makes me feel shitty. I've only got about 9-12 more kilos to go before I exceed my initial goal weight. I know it's attainable, but, at the moment, it feels like it'll never happen... And even then, I'd still like to lose another 5-10 beyond that. *sigh*

5) I wish holidays were easier to take more often. I haven't been on a genuine "holiday" as in "going away to a destination, of my choice, for no other reason other than to leisurely enjoy myself and do the relaxing/touristy thing" since October 2008... And even then it was still too short-lived a trip for my liking. And now with two toddlers in toe, the idea of a genuine "holiday" seems an aeon away!

6) I wish I had more family close by... Proximal to me is only my mum and my stepdad, then me and my kids... I rarely get to see extended family, let alone spend time with them... I wish there were more of us, in the one place... We seldom get those occasions/gatherings where there's a whole big happy family atmosphere... People seldom come to visit us because we're not close by... We're not the most close-knit family. Which is kinda sucky...

7) I wish I had more time to do more "just for fun" things... At the moment I'm in that rut of not even being able to keep up with the "day to day" things, let alone have any time for hobbies or "fun stuff". Most of my "spare" time is my evenings, when babies are in bed... which basically confides me to the house. And by the time I decide to "do" something with my "me time", I'm too buggered to bring out the art stuff or the sewing machine anyway...

8) I wish people didn't lie. I've discovered new lies, recently, and it always pains me to think at a time you thought you were giving and receiving truth synchronously, you were actually being deceived. That's a sinking feeling in your guts you can't "unfeel". Being lied to is fucked... Regardless of who by... Even moreso when you care about the person who has lied to you...

9) I wish "exs" completely evaporated once you go your separate ways. Your mind never thinks of them again, they don't crop up in the queue at the shops when you're dressed in your trackies with no make-up, they never cross your mind again, and leave you the heck alone. Same goes for partner's exs. Exs suck. Big time...

10) I wish I had the child-free time and energy to clear out a whole heap of stuff from my house that I really don't need anymore. But it has always, and still does, felt like an impossible, unbearable task. Piles of clothes the kids have outgrown... general shit and stuff we don't need anymore... I promise myself routinely I'll get onto it but then once I start, the task seems so overwhelming I throw my hands in the air and say "Fuck it!" And it never gets dealt with... 

So there you go... a mildly self-indulgent wish-a-thon... Some of the things on my list are of course, and probably will of course, eventuate one day... others, probably not... But sometimes it's nice to put it out there... gives the Universe a chance to hear your order ;)

Until next time - I'm looking over a four-leafed clover...

Suzy xx