Buddha won't cut me some slack.... so I'd best get my own scissors....!

Urghhh...

Tonight as I cracked some eggs I had a "fuck this shit" moment..You know those moments where you can be doing something completely mundane, and all of a sudden a whirlwind of deep and meaningful thought, and realisation, and reflection can suddenly come upon you? And before you know it, you've burnt the shit out of your eggs and the smoke alarm is bleeping it's tits off? And you find yourself saying "Fuck this shit!" as you scrape the waste into the bin...

What realisation I had in that moment was the fact I'm STILL repeating the SAME mistakes and SAME patterns and SAME sick cycles I have been forever and a day now... And EVERY time I get out of one situation where things have turned out just like the previous one, I tell myself, my friends, the WORLD - things will be DIFFERENT next time!! Things will be on MY TERMS! I'm in control and I'm the mistress of my OWN destiny and I will take charge and NOOOOOOOOONE will stop ME!

And then a few weeks or months later I again find myself doing similar shit... and I turn a blind eye to the alarm bells. Again. And I start making internal justifications or excuses, even, for my actions... And then for the actions of other people. And then again for my own actions for feeling like I must have brought the other person's actions on myself (IMPOSSIBLE you say?? I "know" this... but when I find myself in these circumstances, boy can I convince myself of nearly anything...)

And then weeks, or months, or in some cases, even YEARS will pass... and I've just done the same shit. Just in a different bucket...

Whiiiiiiiiiiich.... in turn.... "Da da da daaaaaaaa!" = leaves me finding myself, once again, questioning my OWN integrity, the one true value I hold with higher esteem above ANYTHING else, and would like to think I can expect to find in OTHERS...... yet clearly I forget to CONTINUE living with integrity, myself, once I've "broken" out of these cycles again... because integrity goes out the window, surely, once I accept choosing to participate in the same cycle again. Right??

So I'm not going to boldly profess: "This time I'll do it RIGHT!" Because I've said that before. And I've been wrong...

Instead... I'm going to question myself: "Why?"
Why do I allow myself to start up a cycle I didn't like the first, second, and subsequent times round?
Is it because I've become used to them? Feel comfortable with them? They're all I've known and therefore have little faith or belief that I even could do things differently, or escape from these shitty cycles? Do I believe I'm not WORTHY of anything BUT these kind of cycles? And if so, why not? Why shouldn't I deserve to only be living how I want to live, with integrity, doing only what satisfies me COMPLETELY and exactly how I want to be, not making exceptions or accommodating other people before myself, or diverting off the "new path" I plan out EVERY single time I leave one "chapter" of a cycle behind...?

When I start feeling like this... I of course, think about Buddhism, and all the "You repeat the same lessons until you either get it right, or die..." theorem. I don't want to die before I've mastered these lessons.

So when I find myself thinking like THIS....... I know it's time to start consider using a life coach again! Thus I've found myself a new life coach (after falling madly in love with my previous one - on an intellectual, platonic level) and am about to embark on a new course of coaching... Am hoping I'll finally be able to develop a better sense of sticking to my guns and determination, rather than letting it all fall by the wayside as I have in the past. Time to regain some focus, prioritising, self-determination and self-worth...!

In the meantime...... I've gotta go figure out a substitute for dinner...

'Til next time.... Give peas a chance <3
:P